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((there's a lot of fucks sorry i'm ranting very badly.))
Have I picked the right major? Nothing I'm making is good enough. I don't know what I'm doing. I actually dropped one of my classes as not only was I not academically prepared but also the teacher made it very clear I was illiterate. My writing level is lower then someone in high school. I should have dropped it a month ago but I proceeded and then ended up crying my eyes out that night i receive comments on my papers I had to write for the first exam. I hate the word "coherent". Now, every time i hear that word I'm just thinking "DONT FUCKING SAY THAT". I get I my writing essay style if very very bad. Thanks for the news flash. Not only that but I'm just fucking depressed. I've been beating myself up ever since i withdrew the class. I dont fucking know what's going on with me. I'm just... I DONT KNOW. I can't focus in the TWO classes I now have. Am I even cut out for Graphic Design? Can I even do this shit? Could I even do Illustration?
I'm just.... literally crying ever damn fucking day. I get the fucking point. I'm a horrible writer when it comes to being fucking coherent in essays. I can't speak clearly. I'm illiterate. I suck at driving. I'm over weight, I have self confidence issues. I don't understand politic, I haven't seen star wars, of the god father movies, or titanic. I'M FUCKING SORRY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING DO?!!??!
I feel like I need to break away from school for a semester and just work and work on my drawing style. If I do I have to pay rent. I live with my parents. And i would haev to work full time at my fucking job at McFuckingDick (Mcdonalds). Work a story in itself. It's good and then fucking bad. Depending on what days. I dont want to put it all in here. I don't know what I'm doing more. I can't. I just....
I. Dont. Fucking. Know.
I feel like every time i'm trying to draw it coming out good. I can't concentrate. I can't seem to grasp my attention anymore. I don't know! I DONT KNOW!!! I want to fucking scream. I dont know where to fucking turn. I dont want to go to my parents as I'll just end up fucking crying in front of them. I'm over fucking sensitive right now. I'm guessing because that's pretty much who I am and my period is fucked up because i'm over weight. Another story for another time. I feel like I'll just keep hearing the same thing over and over again. "is this what you want to do? you've made it this far. this is your last year with us paying for it you have to stay paying your own class money . you'll have to pay rent. what do you want to do? calm down." I CAN'T FUCKING CALM DOWN. I'M FUCKING SORRY FOR BEING A FAILURE AND UNABLE TO DECIDED WHAT I CAN FUCKING DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE. I'M SORRY I'M A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING THAT CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO SHAPE UP AND GET HER FUCKING HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS. I'M SORRY I'M JUST A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT!!
...
I'm just....looking at myself in the mirror and I feel as if the answer is right there but I'm too stupid to even see it. Why I continue to let negative thoughts just slam me in the face I don't know. Maybe I've just given up and still trying to half ass my way out in hopes to actually find something. I don't know.
I'm sorry but i had to write this out. Posting it to let some people know what i'm feeling as of now. I'm sorry the unnecessary fucks in this. I'm just trying to empty every thing I have left in hopes to start over and feel better. I don't know if that's COHERENT enough. But you know what I don't care if it's not. I'm trying to stop crying. I want to feel good and confident for once in myself and be sure of myself. I want to take chances but I find that I can't.
They say "I dont know" isn't an answer. That I know the answer. Well, its my answer. Because of all the doubt I've had to face since I was little I've become paranoid. I don't do thing because I'm afraid. I dont want to be afraid. That fact is, I dont know how to face it. I'm sorry I'm dumb to see a possible answer that could be very much in front of me.
I feel better after writing this. Perhaps after I clean up and lay in bed I can wake up to feel a little better tomorrow. I'm sorry for the rant.
~Yinny
Its been... a while hasn't it?
Not sure what to say.
Work drains me. I haven't stopped drawing, in fact I did all of Inktober in 2016! I post a lot more on my instagram. I want to change that. Try to get myself into making more "complete" or "finish" work. I sketch a lot but I never seem to finish something. I dont know there's a lot on my mind. There's a lot I want to say.
I dunno.
I'm here I just lurk around now and again and keep up with what people do lol. I thought about deleting the account and starting over, but my heart wont let me.
I dunno.
I need to draw. *tumbles away into a pile of sheets and blankets*
Questionnaire why not
1. How long have you been on DeviantArt?:
8 years. I’m hoping by 10 I can make something of my life.
2. What does your username mean?
Originally it was YinYangKeeper. It was from the fact I was kinda in that ‘weebo’ phase and loved the idea of yin and yang. Which I still do, but I’m calm about it lol. People naturally called me Yinny. So I decided to change it to Yinnyize, and that is basically my name for all my social media sites besides facebook lol. I like it.
3. Describe yourself in three words.
Fucking piece of shit. Uh I mean…
Hot damn sexy (Can those count?)
Personable… o
Blarg ideas
I'm more and more putting art work on my tumblr, instagram or art animo, but I still want to put finished work on here. I dunno. My ideas are running low, but I've been job hunting for the past month and still nothing. I got on interview, but I have to wait one or two weeks to hear anything. I'm a man, but I'm still looking. I'm hoping to get something before August.
I always thought of streaming, but i'd feel weird people ate watching me sketch lol. I find the way sketch is very different and messy compared to what others do. I know I shouldn't feel that way but hey I'm being honest *flails*
I really been wanting to find a solid idea and g
This might be a bad idea or a not so bad idea
Don't look at me, I'm just...trying this.
So I had and idea of recording myself to sketches. Nothing fancy, me holding the camera, speeding it up and putting corny background music. I can do it all with my phone, so its kinda convenient and simple.
Considering I don't have a tripod or a "selfie stick" to help me out i'm forced to use my hand, but I think its doing okay. I dont know I feel like this might be a good way just to do something and work on muscle memory. Of course I might be more comfortable if a weren't holding the camera, but hey, baby steps. I think along with my year goals I had, I'm going to put this one on. Just sketch ever
© 2013 - 2024 Yinnyize
Comments11
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You have to do what makes you happy. Sometimes it takes some soul searching and that's ok. If you need to take a break from classes, go for it! It is better to remove yourself from the situation then just keep staying in it. College will always be there. There isn't a time limit. If you just want to work for awhile then do it. If you struggle with writing, ask a friend to help you review it or as River said, see if they have writing center. Just live life to it fullest. We tend to get caught up in the worries of the world and we just need to pause and breath.
You are an amazing person Yinny. Everything will be ok. Stay strong and if you can't, well you have many friends here that will be strong for you. You aren't alone <3
